Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Random Rambles

I no longer see myself as a white parent with an Asian child.
Surprising? In that I even thought of myself that way? Well, it's true and that's the honesty part. I never kidded myself about our recognizable difference in appearance. While very much aware and proud of my daughter’s heritage, I'm most proud of my daughter, our developing relationship and the fact I am her dad.

It’s hard to blog.

It’s a combination of things. I knew time would be a factor once we had AA home and it has been. What I failed to factor into the equation was the emotional fatigue brought on by The Wait. Once home, it was like slowly letting air out of a balloon.

Acceptance by the Mother-Hood.

While considerably more common today, a guy still changes the dynamics of a group play date. I approached this group with more than a bit of trepidation in what is generally viewed as the exclusive domain of woman. As you would imagine, my fears were baseless. Each of us is simply a parent trying to raise good kids while attempting to save a modicum of our sanity along the way.

The guilt factor.

This one works both ways. There are my wife’s feelings of guilt for being away from AA because of her work and my own feelings of guilt of being home with AA while mom has to work. Neither is healthy and we both need to get over it. This is how we planned it and we need to work the plan.

Do we have an issue here?

You could write a book on this one. Oh wait, many have…

It’s easy to fall into the trap of “looking for” behavior or learning issues. All somehow related to the experiences of abandonment/adoption. For the most part, if you have an issue, trust yourself in recognizing it. Be alert to the observations of close friends. We work at making ourselves see Alyzabeth’s behaviors as “just being a kid” first but we're always mindful of what could be...

The secret handshake.

Copyrights to “The Secret Handshake” belong to Johnny over at So, It's Come Down To This.

There is an immediate draw, a fascination of sorts when spying what appears to be a family possibly sharing a similar adoption experience. Johnny says we need some type of secret handshake to identify ourselves to each other. It’s true. We do share a common bond that creates an opportunity to meet others on this incredible journey.

Get busy on the handshake Johnny! Actually, I think I remember a post on that :)




Matt, Melissa, Tyler and Brooke said...

We love having you & AA in playgroup! No "you're not a mom" stigma here!! We looked for ya'll at the Autumn Moon Festival, sorry to have missed you!

Anonymous said...

My boys have a handshake for everything. I bet they could work one up for us!! Thank you for your heart in this post. I was just thinking the same thing about just seeing my daughter not my Asian daughter but just my little girl. Fantastic post!!
Brian W

Ruth and Brian said...

Hey Ford,
Awesome post! BTW, in case you couldn't figure it out, the anonymous poster Brian W is my other half - not sure why he posted as anonymous. I resonated with all of your ramblings, but especially with the blogging one. It's not that I don't want to I guess it is it just doesn't happen like it used to. Oh well, right!?!

simply t said...

Your thoughts are randomly good=0)

T n' W said...

great post....I agree with u and Brian. All I see NOW is my beautiful daughter smiling up at me!

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

Wonderful post....Each thought perfectly stated.


Don and Be said...

Great post, Ford. My secret handshake is a bit obvious. I usually say "Hey! What province? I have Hunan over here." whenever I see a pasty white couple with a beautiful Asian child. It gets conversation going fast. Didn't work one time, though. A mom replied to my inquiry quite curtly with "She's from Korea!" and kept on walking. Oh .... silly me.

Dita said...

You're always right on the money, Ford. I get the guilt thing with you and Aly and it was funny how you said you guys just need to get over it and work the plan. I work too and JR is home with the kids in the afternoons after school (he goes into work at 5 am) but I need to work the plan and realize that I'm so lucky that our kids are with their dad.

I used to look at my son and wonder what his heritage was (I only know one half of it) and people would ask me and I'd have no answer. They'd see the difference in our complexions and ask about him and for a while, I used to dwell on it...then, it just stopped and I began to see him as my son. Heck, when I look at him now I even think we look alike (I'm the only one but that doesn't matter...we do because I'm his mom and he's my son)

I like Don's idea of the secret handshake...I think its a Jersey thing, that may be why I can relate. Too funny about that other mom.

Vivian M said...

I could so relate a few years ago....growing pains I called them.