Monday, December 10, 2007

Pity Party # 23

This gets very personal.

UPDATE - I obviously made this TOO personal. Just my rambling thoughts, no real change in our attitude or Christmas cheer. Maybe I have people worried about us. We are great and always have been. I thought writing down some of my occasional thoughts would be helpful; they are only thoughts and much too personal than what I intended for this some have been zapped!!!

Fliss wrote about this and the more I talked about it and the more DH echoed back, the more I know I have moved into a whole new level of this "WAIT". The best short summary of our feelings is what Nina wrote at Journey to Kavanna.

I understood when other women, waiting for their adoption, said that they tended to shy away from baby showers; just too many emotions close to the surface.
So when Fliss & Nina started the pity party, I wanted to join in.

DH and I have loved seeing the referrals of all the baby girls, we love reading the blogs about the journey to "mettcha/gottcha" day (we will call it "forever-day", forever family day). We love seeing the pictures as the little Chinese babies become American daughters.
Fast forward to 2 and a half years later (yep, 2.5 years), I am envious of the referral, the baby pictures, the travel plans, the joyous news of their beautiful daughter!!
We were told we would have our daughter before the end of 2006! Yes, 2006! So now we creep closer......

China has been overwhelmed with applications throughout 2005. Did we know this? No. No one expected that the applications would double and triple each month. No one knew that China would decide to process adoptions at the same rate of 400 - 600 a month. Since 2005, there was between 1000 - 2500 applications submitted per month. Supposedly the backlog of dossiers is over 40,000! We are in that backlog and creeping closer to the top of the pile. China even changed the rules so that after May 2007, less parents would qualify (like us - we are too old now by their new rules).

So when we joined the official waiting line in January 2006, little did we know that the current & expected 6 - 8 month wait would extend to the 24 - 36 month wait. The latest prediction is May 2008 for us. That will be our 34th month since being approved by our agency and 28th month since China said we can be parents of a little baby Chinese daughter.

DH recently left this comment on another blog that I'll share:
Aly and I laugh all the time about feeling as though we are trapped in "Ground Hog Day" (like the movie). We were just talking about this last night, about how horrible we feel that the true joy of others getting their referrals is not as exciting as it once was and SHOULD BE! We know why. The "Wait" is punching all of us in the gut and it hurts. You hurt, we hurt and those just now getting their little ones also were hurting. It's tough. You're human. We're human. And eventually, our pain will turn to joy. I know. I know. Sounds like some rose colored, get happy crap. Still, I hope you know that we know your heart is as true as your love for Kavanna. Our time will come. It will. It is. And we're there walking each step along side of you. Peace to you and your family this Holiday Season. Our prayers and love.

All in good time you say....
Yep, we know that all is for the grand purpose, there is a season for everything.....

It doesn't make us humans any different as to patience. When we decided to adopt, it wasn't our decision, within our control; it was a message to us that we have this opportunity and we should have been listening years ago....... We finally said let's go for it...China here we come!

So here we wait....... my rambling thoughts and emotions are up and down so many times I can't handle the downs any more.

I will not host the pity party, but I sure would like to plan one just in case.....


Melissa said...

There is no shame in how you feel or what you are going thru or what even lies ahead. You have so much to be grateful for, even during this long journey.
All I know & feel is that I want to be there w/you & cry & help. We can help each other.
I am blessed that you are here in my life, that's what I am counting, not days til we are together again, but the times we were together and all the memories we made and your time to make your family memories are just around the corner.
You are ALL in my heart.
I think of you ALL.
I miss you ALL.
I Love You ALL.
I pray & hope that all your dreams WILL come true & your end to your rainbow is near!
All my Love,

Johnny said...

But, you do have friends over-the-wire who are waiting along with you.

Dawn Shelton said...

Oh, DH said is so perfectly it brought a tear to my eye. YOU TOO! Wow. I might have to get permission to put that on my blog.
Take care,

kris said...

I think I just fell in love with your husband :O) What empathy he has and I love what he wrote.

It's the hardest wait ever. There is light now at the end of this tunnel for you. Hang in there.

I can't wait for your day to come.

redmaryjanes said...

All I can say is I know. I'd love to come over and hang out with you guys at your party. I accept the invitation. I did a special Secret Buddy post you may want to check out.

Doris & Dan said...

Your husband hit the nail on the head! True, true words.

We are all hanging choice but we will make it.

Keep smilin!

Nina, David & Ariel said...

Alyson, I can completely relate to what you're saying. I was very moved by Ford's wonderful post on my blog. I told DH, "I feel as if people I have never met (but hope to, perhaps, in China!!) are more understanding and supportive of my feelings than many of the people in my life." It's very powerful to know that we're not alone in this wait... Thanks for being there for me and know that we're here for you, too!

We will all get through this wait. One day, someday, we will all be comparing the best diapers and baby food, or comparing the merits of Baby Beetoven vs. Gymboree vs. free play... etc. Until that day comes, know that you're not alone on the rollercoaster.


A Mom- In-W8ing said...

Last week I also succumbed to the infamous pity party. I am moving on now after reading a recent post (alive and living – Dec. 7) at, this post really puts it in perspective. I hope this post helps you as much as it helped me.

Enjoy every moment … you just never know when, it might be the last.

Smiles! :o)

Don and Be said...

When dad was alive, I spent many an hour in waiting rooms at doctor offices. They were not the most inviting places .... people thumbing through out of date magazines while looking over the tops of their glasses to see who gets called next - uncomfortable chairs from Costco - dad sleeping loudly in his wheelchair. I can honestly say, doctor's waiting rooms are never desirable - and the outcome when you are finally called (an hour past your appointment while sitting on a 30 minute Costco chair) you always ended up getting poked and prodded and looked at in places one's spouse probably hasn't seen.
At least in the Adoption Waiting Room, when you hear "Next!" you are going to be the recipient of love and joy for a lifetime .... the result is a lot more desireable ..... you just have to wait a lot longer ..... it's a tradeoff.
One good thing about being in the Waiting Room at this time is that you, Ford & Aly, are in there with us and we thank God for your part in our journey and our lives. Hang in there .... it's inching closer .....
.....and just in case you do a pity party, there's a bright side ..... CAKE!
Love youz,
Don & Be

OziMum said...

First of all - "Yay! You're normal!!!" I'm always so envious of you both, your positive attitudes and patient waiting!!! Now I know you're normal!!!

You show me someone that's not frustrated after waiting 2.5 years... and I'll show you someone that's not quite truthful!!!

I'll join your pity party, but not today. I love Christmas, but I'm sure I'll be up for it, after Christmas!!!

rubyiscoming said...

Sweet friend, I agree! It is nice to know that you guys get down in the dumps sometimes as I have envied how "positive" you both always seem.

But, I also think it is wise NOT to have a pity party - be one step ahead of the pity party. Pour yourself another glass of good wine, turn on your Christmas tree lights and rest your head on Ford's shoulder. Life is good, despite the dreaded wait.

My experience with trying to get pregnant is much like yours and I have suffered some medical complications as well. Fair? Nope, but we WILL meet our daughters in 2008 - I feel very certain of it this Christmas season. But you are certainly allowed to feel a bit down in the dumps - I think the word "patience" should have photos of WAITING FAMILIES next to the dictionary definition!

Much love to you both -

Lili & Robin said...

I am feeling the same as you guys. I don't want to be in a pity party and I want to be excited about our referral and one day becoming parents, but at this point I am very disheartened as the wait creeps longer and longer. This time of the year doesn't help at all. I love Christmas but it is a little empty without kiddos. Right now I would jump for joy if our wait turns out to only be 30 months..seriously!? Hard to believe it was a 7 month wait when we began our paperwork. Thanks for your heartfelt post. It is comforting to know there are other people sharing the same difficult journey.

hope your holidays are happy


Catherine said...

May I come to your pity party too? Sorry that I won't be able to stay too long but I'm happy to have a little company while waiting for the yo-yo of emotion to pop back up. Thankfully I spend most time 'up' but sure do have some down times too.

Love what your DH said. It really is like living trapped in 'Ground Hog Day.' I've had a friend get married, have her first child, be off 1 year on maternity leave and now she's pregnant with #2. Me? Still about a year away! Oh well, it will be great to be on maternity leave together....unless her year passes and she's already back at work by the time I go to China. I refuse to think that could happen though.

Thank you for throwing such a delightful party. I'll be off now. Love ya!

Shannon said...

During the wait, I always liked that we could share both our pains and our joys with others who were walking the same. Thanks for sharing this side of your walk. I think of you often and hope your dreams a fulfilled soon soon soon.

Courtney Mei & her Guinness said...

We're still waiting with you and sending long distance hugs of encouragement your way!!!!